AppLe LollYpoP

My path is vastly different from every other persons on earth, but my ability to relay some of my lessons better help and aid others I feel. Lately I have had the fortune of reuniting with some of my rave family from 18 years ago, and I think to myself, god that was eighteen years ago, and I think of the illusions of time and I have been flooded with memories of that time recently.

I was in a time of ignorance at that point, I was only selfishly driven through teenage ignorance and pretty damn vain, and the greatest lesson we all learn is that we all lose some of our youth as time goes on. So we can’t always rely on what we see in the mirror.

The greatest Buddhist lessons include that everything is in the mind. This would seem silly to a teenager whom is trying solely to alter their reality.

Well that time ago was chaos, and quite a bit of mystery in life, while some circumstances were solely related to the mysteries of life. I can say now that my future is a bit more predictable now that I am working with the mind to train it and to guide it in the direction I feel is best for me and my family.

When you are that young you don’t worry about things like retirement, vet bills or even your credit rating. You go about life burning bridges and laughing it off, and only begin to reflect on the harm you caused decades later.

One of the greatest manifestations I live by these days in reflection of my teenagehood and young adult hood is the process of asking for forgiveness. I don’t ask people to forgive me, unless it is needed but I ask the universe for forgiveness and I also ask the universe that I may begin to forgive myself. I think this is a very strong process and I feel there were quite a few dozen times where I needed to BEG for forgiveness, and only one of those times will need a lifetime of asking for forgiveness for the harm I have done.

I strongly believe I wasn’t bad per se but I needed to go through the process of crime or addiction to better understand the process of forgiving myself, and ultimately letting the universe dictate whom I will receive ultimate forgiveness from. I don’t want to go heavily into my stories and such but some of it was just pure insanity like stuffing 10k in my pocket that didn’t belong to me x5 or selling drugs at raves or hurting a friend and even kissing a girl while I was so fucking high I didn’t have a clue what I was doing lol but when you work with the mind you begin to understand that life is not paying for your mistakes but what you can learn from them.

My path of crime leaves me battered and torn and ashamed because I was so good at it, and I wanted desperately what I was void of, that being wealth and prestige. So the harm I inflicted on others was shared in the same sense because the universe was very very cunning to allow me an equal dose directed my way probably times a thousand (x1000) so I was not equipped to face some of the challenges that came my way at times because of how naïve I was.

I swear some of these old pensioners living on $800 a month must chuckle as a hybrid 19 year old walks by with a 20k credit limit on their visa cards sitting in their back pocket, with a designer $400 dye job and Vuitton sidebag.

Thankfully Buddhism found me when I was most suffering, and it allowed me to calm my racing thoughts, take care and control of my destiny and allow me an ultimately free and ever reaching tool to enlightenment being meditation, because I have probably spent countless lifetimes dealing with all this nonsense and no tools to stop it. What used to amuse me when I was 19 was a $400 buffet breakfast with 4 hot guys (two being twins) lol and now the funny things amuse me the most like finding out an old friend is doing well and is in a fortunate existence away from harm, or taking care of a cat and feeding it medicine, or giving squirrels some seeds and cranberries.

To say that I have come 360 degrees is an understatement because it involves a fractalized sacred geometrical 4-D shift in thought and grace. A life void of illusion is a beautiful life indeed.

18 years seems like a long time, but when you think of it, the memories and events are virtually timeless and I only want to shape the next 18 years into something woven into a gay fairytale

-Shaun A. Delage

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Chewing Gum for Felines

So many distractions, a world rife with illusion, and to elude you from what? Well the fact that you are here for an unfathomable amount of time, even a day to some is almost insurmountable. As well, for each and every one of us, death looms. How any sort of joviality can be construed with such a reality is beyond me, but thankfully we have alcohol, drugs, music, pets, food, love, beauty, nature, travel, etc to keep our minds off our impending doom.

And truth is, death is not a finality, we keep living on and on for millennia after this life, what escapes me is why we don’t have a conscious understanding of the process of rebirth and existence as a whole. If we had such an understanding we would dare not make the same mistakes and only grow infinitely.

The process of life includes living with suffering, illusion, mystery, and to live through the process of old age hence losing our youth-which most of us use to our benefit, to land a rich and powerful mate and those that don’t make the cut actually have to make it on our own.

I have always seen my inherent humanity as an alien existence, it is one thing to look at oneself as gender confusion but to look at oneself as being an alien being in a human body and thinking to yourself, jeeze I guess I have facial worms like 98% of humanity lol

I think that those that aren’t living their life in service to another in some way or some fashion is definitely missing out on the true pleasure of existence, serving somebody continuously, serving some disciples in spiritual direction, helping others, helping a loved one live their life a hell of a lot easier is one of the most honorable existences.

So many take, and take, and just chart their way through life.

I would like to be an example for somebody that makes 150k a year and they get to their endpoint and they say “look at this guy, Shaun- he made 90% less than you and he gave to countless charities whenever he could. You have bought nothing but gold bars and platinum rings, you get another go around”

I have always served animals in the past decade or so and many do, and you feel such a sense of pride it almost carries over to your inherent humanity. Just knowing that without you, the animal would starve and die. It brings with it profound touching tenderness and love for the creature that needs you in ways.

Many people that have departed would probably relay that the one lesson in life is to understand the divine, to understand what kind of a being it takes to take charge of other beings, because for the most highly evolved and adept meditation masters this will be your new job when you cross over.

To serve others.

We are all involved in such a serious pursuit, being existence, and to waste it away on the trivialities of life is such a waste. I think it was ordained long ago that there would be countless resources directed at alleviating boredom, but essentially the simplest lesson, being meditation proves to be the wisest pursuit to gain enlightenment.

However I can only meditate a few times a day or I would go nuts, a life should be more diverse than that! And truth is… we need mindless entertainment once and awhile, like REAL HOUSEWIVES lol :)

Anyways blogbuddies have a good day or week and catch ya on the flipside !!

-Shaun A. Delage

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Taking in Life -

Self of nature,
Self of rhythm,
Self of future,
Self of epitome,
Self of stature,
Being of multiplicity.
One of the greatest romantic, confessional poets of the new millennium.
Community of one.
Community of seven.
Beings of twelve,
Trials of eleven,
Hatred of five,
and the tests of twenty.
Seclusion of seventeen.
Infusion of zero.
Amusement of fifty, Craziness of nine.
Occasional enlightenment of one.
Beings that inhabit your soul, will call out.
Beings that see you as a super imposed reality, will mock.
But who knows what deals they have made?
Those beings that would lock away the masses and throw away the key.
They wear a red sash and call people names without thinking.
They speak out of ignorance.
But mainly out of jurisdictional law.
One would assume that the beings are only in the many.
But the beings inhabit quite so few.
That if we could see them in a room.
Without the guards and the locks, and without the uniform to impose.
But never mind the fact that spilled blood was soaked on their sash and robes.
That hearts were rubbed on the very clothes they wear.
While they sentence you to a few years to be raped and abused.
The most vulnerable in society. It is sickening to think of, but to me...
They would not matter very much.

-


JeffyTrix -

Entering the matrix without understanding the matrix,
People placed around you in a more knowing impression.
Nothing to be feared, just something to be cautious of.
I see myself in him at age twenty yet haven’t aged a day.
Now age wise I am an old dinosaur to him,
funny people see us together and imagine us to be in high school.
Preppy meets ray ban.
I want to show him, my ways, my theories, my being.
yet a lot holds me back.
I know he only wants to be enlightened, to not feel lonely when surrounded by people.
More-so to be set free from an internal prison,
people with chaotic looks around you making you feel horrible.
Looking in his eyes I see enlightenment.
I don’t want to freak him out, but I understand why were both here.
Why we both met however odd it was to me... it was beautiful, to him... it was digital.
hoping to find the best of them all,
in some ways I am perfect for him,
in others I could never be.
In some ways I could do whatever I could to make him happy.
But something he needs to understand.
Which many don’t ‘innerstand’ is the need to temper materialistic desires.
Many people cover their own internal pain with beautiful shining things.
It is best to live simply I am sure he understands.
The thoughts surround me of who he will be in five years.
The thoughts enter my soul of what I can make him into.
The thoughts enter my being of what he can teach me.
What he will make me into most of all.
I imagine myself combing his hair, cutting his fingernails, making him dinner, pouring his glass of water, brushing
his teeth for him.
I imagine washing his arms in the bathtub holding him in my arms.
The gazebo by the ocean with fifteen foot, fabric like, flags blowing in the wind.
Slipping the ring on his finger, him slipping one on mine.
Understanding that there is a bond between us.
Being with somebody that is unloving doesn’t work for us, this being I see before me.
An old soul, we have hooked up before.
Both in youth’s bodies.
In some ways he has it better together than I do.
In other ways I am pretty OK too.
I think of us, then I get a pang of worry like what could I offer him.
I only know this, with love anything is possible
I could achieve anything.
I could do anything.
I could be anybody.
I could be with him; of course he has to want it.
I want it.
We both have to be confident.
In some ways I have evolved massively since age twenty in other ways... I am still twenty years old!
I just know....if he was to be with me.
He would never have to cook a day in his life.
I would make it my goal to make sure he doesn’t have to work another day as well.
Love takes time.
Trust takes time.
Bond takes time.
Union takes time.
Enlightenment takes time, but it is everlasting.
Saves the very nature of our being from imploding and self destructing.
I look in his eyes and see much.
I am sure he is aware of me on some level, much will be made apparent.
The choice lies with his soul.
I read through his blogs and imagine.
Some twisted man threesome covered in cake and chocolate.
My mind is pervy.
I am happy not wasting my time on people that don’t matter.
I’m happy making sure I am the most calm person in the world.
So he looks forward to seeing me again and again.
Because that is all he wants is another boy that understands his struggles

-

metric life -

I can’t say much that will change his life forever,
but I can be there to offer the most beautiful soul on the planet.
The only true nature of love.
I only trust my guidance from above.
Wanting us both to be mostly free of.
I walk over to him and hand him a kid glove.
He looks at me wondering if it fits and says kind of.
I asked him if I am something to be proud of,
that the world sees me something to be rid of.
Or that my voice is something the matrix is sick of.
I want to slip on his hand a pervy suede glove.
Wondering what is in his mind and what he'll think of.
Naturally figuring out what he will conceive of.
Touching his fingers through the hand and glove.
Never wanting to see the end of.
His beauty enters my soul like true love.
The very being is just the epitome of cute love.
The workings of the boy that will just be the most awesome being to enter my sphere.
I have so much to learn from him. Will he let me?
With each other anything is possible.
Two books finished submitted to publishers with a sense of self, theories collide.
Youthful energetic vibe.
I want to be his bride.
Only to wonder past years why I cried.
Just wanting love to glide.
My nature to guide.
We can just hug and hug and simply hide.
Figuring out naturally born pride.
Weird glances from people knowing they spied.
Watching us walk hand in hand with a confident stride.
Our hands interlaced and completely tied, seeing his face.
I look at the bright side.
Mostly for twenty six years this has been denied,
Soaring through the sky almost paraglide.
Looking somewhat at myself inside.
Watching him hug me by low tide.
Not wanting to lead him away or misguide.
Stroking his long bangs from the north side.
By a tree, outside.
Looking for him wanting to provide.
Smiling I can simply look around needing to take pride.
We can go worldwide, stateside, love tribe.
Just wanting to walk alongside.
Hold his hand, bring him outside.
Showing him that a human can exist without Jekyll and Hyde.
Soaring past the earthen plane great divide.
Just not wanting to be apart and lay to the side.
Scaling cliffs in a love filled with mountain pride.
Wandering the country nationwide.
Careful wanting to stand beside him either side.
Side by side, by the rising tide

-


try to spie -


The being that involves me enlightens me.
Stopping in one self to see outer self, requires skill.
Being adept to the true nature of the cause of this madness.
Makes one insane.
But more-so those that have the power to hand out titles.
Are even more insane.
To be in oneself while attempting to halt the infractions on our citizens which goes against the treatment of
prisoners and animals takes a skill.
Because in here you are never human.
You’re only you.
Which you don’t even know what that is.
So how could you accept being given a role, which you don’t even understand.
It is my own faith and becoming that your soul be set free amongst millions.
Because your only soul.
It is the eventual enlightenment of the entire galaxy, and you will be loved for your sacrifice.
To the better good the higher path.
No matter how tough the path is.
Or how many stones cut your hand when you fall.
The haunting souls who reside here yet never die.
The ones I’m in love with need my touch.
Far too precious to lose their lives.
I do the work of insanity to save them.
I can’t believe how many men I will meet on the other side.
Oh my god one boyfriend is not enough, I will have millions.
Going to be hard to keep up but I will manage.
Safety of the feline embrace.
The most divine of all creatures.

-

Physical chinese -

The theory of the system is what you make of it.
If you let the system capture the essence of your capitalist craving then you are nothing,
Nothing but spit!
The selfless desire to be something is really nothing if you don’t have any money.
What the heck does the system relay when you’re not given the fruits of slavery.
You are simply a slime covered insect in the grand scheme of things.

-


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Misbehaving Monkz

Thailands Tainted Robes Scandals !!

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Thailand's Buddhist detox centre -.- 

The Wat Tham Krabok monastery is Thailand's largest free drug rehabilitation facility.

CaT FooD BrioChe

To constantly nourish ones soul remains the highest priority, there is so much distraction that people with any skill in meditation can sometimes skip a week or two before they get the chance to meditate.

All I have is time, I am one of the lucky few that has been able to find a calling amidst a life of seeming failure, I have embraced being a funded Buddhist lay monk, I am able to pay all my bills while having copious amounts of time at my disposal, something people that are involved in this whole apparatus lack essentially is time.

I have been taking baby steps to better my intuition because I believe it is a calling for me to be somewhat psychic or intuitive and to be genuine about it. I think many people out here on earth are naturally intuitive but fail to see the characteristics simply because they can’t guess the winning lottery numbers, and it is true that you can be obscenely intuitive with seeming strangers over your own world because if we could simply guess our own lottery numbers nobody would be working as a psychic they would be sitting on a yacht in Monaco sipping Moet.

So I have been taking baby steps and it is tough to rely solely on intuition but when I lack the confidence I simply remind myself of my history and the fact that I have had an extremely bizarre life which affords me the gift of psychic powers, the ability to tell somebody their future and whether their next steps are the right path. So I have opened a mini presence online in the virtual world of SL and in a few places online. Just taking baby steps, what it took me to get to this level is many synchronicities that play out in real life like somebody mentioning something a week prior and it plays out exactly as mentioned or I will think of a song and an hour later I will hear it on CNN of all places lol just when stuff like that adds up it really makes you question whether you have these abilities or not, and I have had precognitive dreams and such and things will automatically pop into my head twenty minutes beforehand.

So syncs…. But I also use quite some many crystals and herbs to help with that development and most psychics find out in their early thirties.

I come from a life of challenge, almost losing it beyond my control, from a life of crime and intrigue to almost taking off on a yacht around the world, meeting a twin of mine in a penthouse that tried to give me HIV, Being taunted on movie sets by satanists related to some powerful actors/aliens to being ‘involved’ with a Canadian ambassador, stuffing thousands of dollars into my pockets and staying up for sometimes weeks on end without food. I have been to hell and back literally, I know what is at stake, and it is our souls, and redemption. So when I doubt my abilities I think of these things and my path and the path of the obscure and enchantment, I think of what great powers I must have picked up along the way, now to only use them.

The simple causality that I have lived through it all and now get to live a life of fortunate circumstances lead me to believe that I have a purpose and a reason why exactly I am here rather than that of a simply anomaly.

People must get mad when they read my writing, all the brazen stuff I did, and most of it illegal, but what helped me is finding an eastern meditation technique that reversed all ignorance.

I feel lucky, lucky to be alive after all of that and yes I think about things that have happened quite a bit, I also think about how many of the multi millionaires I have met have probably died or lost it all in some way and no doubt my presence in this world has affected quite some many people from all walks of life.

Essentially the path of the Buddhist monk, too unfit to be ordained, too crazy to be in a sangha, too many disabilities to become a regular Buddhist monk so I am forced to create my own method to living, a philosophical presence that challenges belief systems and people in authority with a poetic lick.

When I wake I sit on the porch surrounded by tree’s and deer and songbirds and think to myself, wow I have made it, I am finally in my piece of heaven, the meditation has worked, now I can move to the next steps –the next levels, and my meditation will constantly change and define itself.

I give you this discourse so that it may better your day.

-Shaun A. Delage  

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TecHno FinCH

So many are hypnotized by their religions, hate to say it and it is ironic, being a virtual church that I state this, but what it all comes down to is, attachment.  I think the mainstream faiths market themselves to the newer souls. Of course, everything is inverted and upside down, so the most godly faith happens to be the most evil on the planet. Which is why I have found comfort in Buddhism, you can have church in your living room in solitude. Me personally I don’t belong to a sangha in my community (a Buddhist group of people) because of my schedule and my life, but that hasn’t stopped me from exploring the divine in solitude and taking refuge the Buddha. I love listening to the Buddhist discourses and garnering some sense of reality from them. People think all there is to life is working and playing video games or watching movies.
To live a truly adept life takes real skill. I have always been conflicted with my own life for at least the past decade because I am on a disability pension. The government just hands me money and medication and takes care of me, because otherwise I would be in a hospital or end up in prison without medication and when things are that bad you tend to take a viewpoint of yourself as at least a little bit ‘damaged’ I am very very fortunate to be living in a country that takes care of it’s citizens in this regard, but life could be better. It’s almost as if the past ten years due to my income I have been living in a literal apocalypse. A wasteland of very little money and some adversity. But in a sense I have created a very beautiful and touching life that lives way above that, with dignity and class even though I don’t have millions in the bank, I at least think I do.
I think of people that are on my income and have to struggle like I do, but don’t have help, it would be a tough life, to be alone. I have been very fortunate to find a loving mate that helps take care of me and we live a good life, fruitful at best !! When one can create a very pleasant existence despite the circumstances you know you have a good mind on your shoulders.
I have always believed in the unknown and the future, and this is why I can understand why not many people are willing to devote a quiet night to meditation, it doesn’t really give you much, at least not as much stimulation as an xbox or a website or 300 songs on your ipod. The benefits of meditation are unseen, and you are responsible for what you seek and want to get out of it essentially. There are presidents and prime ministers and kings and queens that have not found the Buddha or the meditation.
I strongly believe that Buddhism is for the most evolved souls on the planet. From what I can understand of the nature of meditation is that it simply eradicates all forms of hatred, illusion, negativity and sadness. It in a sense, in a hidden way, makes you into a more compassionate and loving person, but this takes skill on your part to work into your meditation the avenue of sending all the negativity outward, far away from you and welcoming the hidden energies into you that will do their work.
I also have had more trust for wicca and paganism in the past decade and more than the average person would trust in them because they simply view it as Satanism out of ignorance. Some of the most highly evolved concepts, philosophy and psychics I have witnessed that were either wiccan or pagan and actually offer tools to forward yourself in this reality in the form of spells, chants, talismans, sigels, music, scents, and energy. Far much more than the mainstream faith is willing to offer in the form of a 2000 year old 2000 page bible that doesn’t make very much sense.
I have always thought that what comes to you in the moment is your most pressing reality. I had to read some of the bible to pass my Ph.D but it just solidified how insane it all is and what illusion we are all trapped in. I take being able to warp the reality in your favour in the near future in the form of a spell, rather than read the bible and hope and pray for to an old man in the sky any day. But I am not willing to belong to anything like wiccan or pagan or Buddhism simply because I am pretty reclusive and detest any sort of social function.
Also what seems to be in the mainstream these days with our youth and pop culture is a society of atheism, young people that don’t really believe in anything but getting drunk and texting all day. I think if you can find whatever you need to, to stay sane you have done the right thing, but also to just simply ignore the divine, the creative spark that brought you here in the first place in this time and reality would be an absolute travesty. I strongly believe this energy wants to be found, and those that spend every waking moment finding this energy that keeps you breathing, your heart beating and money coming your way and food in front of you is the most pressing goal. I just think that not many are tested on their faith or their lives so they don’t really know or understand what is at stake.

God, Buddha, and the divine are everywhere, helping you live, helping you see, helping you walk and stay fed, this energy keeps you alive and all of us alive, it keeps this whole reality existing and the birds singing in perpetuity, quite a lot of energy needed for that, quite a lot of energy needed for that.

-Shaun A. Delage   

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CranBerry Paw

Religion and sexuality are touchy subjects for most lol and it is funny how many people I come across online that profess a belief in the bible and jesus and exemplify their hatred of gay and lesbian people.

This is funny, because I want to say “Even the pope doesn’t have a problem with gays, why should you” haha another reason I found Buddhism, and believe in it. And another reason why yours truly started his own virtual ministry.

I wanted this ministry because of the power to tell you the truth, the power to shove it in their face that I have a virtual ministry and am gay myself.

Especially in conspiracy circles people tend to be really closed minded, which astounds me, because if you are seeking answers and enlightenment and secrets to be unravelled you have to have the right disposition. The ability to overcome prejudice and hatred.

See many people would think I hate the people on my manifesto, but I don’t. I simply believe that by naming and picturing them I can provide a record for all of time of the issues that an individual has gone through, and I have tried to seek help only to come across quackery.

It is funny because people in my situation would feel pretty defeated and many give in and take their lives, but I feel I have much much more to offer every single minute I am alive longer.

I have found a unique healing concept, a virtual ministry, a virtual world, my novels, TECHNO, meditation and of course living in the furest.

I have gone down my own path without going into wiccanism which is tempting, because of the acceptance but I don’t believe people should be invoking things like deities or gods or whatever without fully comprehending what they are doing. Also I don’t think people should essentially do rituals they have no understanding or grasp of. Issue is people are so hungry to bend reality they will do whatever they can first and foremost to do it.

I am here to say that it takes a VERY long time, but whatever you will to do, it will happen.

I get small psychic incursions kind of like a pre cognition and it is small things like a few days before something I will say some key words or explain a concept and then I will see those words, the scenario or concept materialize in the form of a movie or webpage in reality.

This leads me to believe that my manifestation is working, that I can bring whatever  I need to myself and it is funny because there are still people that believe if you look within you are a Satanist or whatever –no saving them I guess, they are under the direction of forces beyond me.

I have always wanted to be in control of my destiny and my own future and my fate. Not left up to some powerful magical entity that requires your constant adoration for your future success.

Truth is, 90% of the world has no fucking clue!

They believe in 2000 year old books, old men in the sky, and that all gay men want operations to become women lol

I have seen and battled the illusions from all end of the spectrum, including from within my own community, having relations with men and having them try and barter my soul or having drag queens sexually assault you. Having parents beat you or having friends try and kill you.

The illusion and the magic is so far reaching I don’t even know where to begin. I just know, I am a proud gay guy, a Buddhist, I love techno, I love the net, I love cats and chillen in the forest, I love virtual stuff and reading and am very fond of meditation.

So as long as I can embrace that core belief and not self destruct in anyway I personally have a tool to get me through endless weeks and months in this matrix.

Then I am at the other end of the spectrum and the nuclear plant and radiation leaking and I am in a sense in a rush to get my words to the eyes of the people that need them the most.

So in a sense I have all the time in the world, yet may not have another day lol

It is a very confusing time to be alive, and only the intellects question everything, one can figure out a lot in isolation.

But the essential key is to know your core self and nurture those qualities to absolute success. Because we’re all born differently. 

-Shaun A. Delage  

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ah EnliGhteNmeNt

3000+ Dhamma Talks Available by Clicking this text! 

C/O Birken buddhist Forest monastery :)

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champa pa

What a painful few days it has been ascension wise, leaving the comforts of a material paradise that offered me little growth or focus

I have moved from home and most of the time my discourses aren’t so personal more universal but I am pained by being abused by own mother at age 30

Truth is abuse has never escaped my life just mixed in with material rewards or whatever

It is tough to wind down and almost expecting the experiences which have been plaguing me for years

This is the realm of monarch slavery and one which many don’t get to escape, their own fears leave them behind stuck in a rut so to speak

It is no secret that right now in this time and age it is not time to make mistakes, or go on new adventures or make new decisions or impulsive choices

Now I am basking in natures beauty, surrounded by old growth forest, made friends with a robyn and a calico cat that just adores me, not to mention a striking baby faced man that has come to my rescue

I am not a victim but I am vulnerable given what has happened to me…part of me was left at wits end living at home with a mother that believes I committed incest against my own sister…who could live under the same roof as somebody that thought that

Not that but I had to live with constant nattering, nagging, and chattering

I am very quiet and put up with it but I was at my wits end, not to mention somebody living with you with exact opposite qualities such as vanity, materialism, anger, suspicion, drama

Fuck I was never able to focus much longer than 20 minutes. Thankfully I am opposite schedule than everyone else (I follow the moon) so that offered some peace and contemplation in the early hours

What I didn’t get is the seething anger and drama that spilled out of her lips almost within seconds of her waking, a time when I am most at risk to the vulnerabilities of schizophrenia.

What did it the end was the fact that I was living with a  lunatic, sort of the title they afford people like me, but in my opinion it is the undiagnosed ones that have the most battiness in my opinion

While I was there venting my frustrations into my art and my books I have accomplished quite a bit.

Now I am with a man that is serene, loving, kind, happy, content and beautiful

Part of me wants to throw it all away based on my fears of love and intimacy to become a monk

Me personally a teenage hood of sexwork has left me defeated, literally freaked out and scared of intimacy – much better to swear off that which pains us most I feel

We met by fluke online and now here I am quite a few months later after a failed attempt at moving in every belonging I have and now the 2^nd attempt at living here- it is almost unbelievable the amount I am almost expecting to be talked to death or told my distinctions and titles don’t mean anything

Most youth 20-35 are living with their parents through this time, so I know I am not an oddity, almost forced there out of finances and coming back to security in the nest but this leaves the past wide open and it also allows the parental nature to come to effect to tiring ends and some are giving up

I thank divine nature for introducing me to my man, we are technically roomies but I adore him and his way of life. I am due to go catsitting in a week for my bday (the big 30) hehe yet I still don’t act or look mature so oh well minus the one or two white hairs I am getting haha an old boi

So some of us like the future to be told to us, and others make rash decisions that take guts

And who do you trust, well you can trust your inner voice, and that of divine nature to guide you to your next learning lesson….it has been painful going through the emotions I have by my own birth mother accusing me of flipping some switch on her laptop and not believing me, accusing me of eating most of her jam when I had a litre full in my cupboard, when I told her “mom I cant live in an environment where your constantly yelling and swearing all the time” she said “why don’t you go fucking move out”

These are words that are not based in love or compassion, somebody believing that I am an incestor or whatever lol and the cause of a breakup and just some criminal that needs to be watched is not an environment that adheres to what I am looking for, to be surrounded by kind, compassionate, loving, sincere, happy, serene, loving beings.

I am being in the moment about things, loving my forest cabin away from it all…

That is what life is about, but the steps can be exhausting

Take care blogbuddies

     Shaun A. Delage

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