What a painful few days it has been ascension wise, leaving
the comforts of a material paradise that offered me little growth or focus
I have moved from home and most of the time my discourses aren’t
so personal more universal but I am pained by being abused by own mother at age
30
Truth is abuse has never escaped my life just mixed in with
material rewards or whatever
It is tough to wind down and almost expecting the
experiences which have been plaguing me for years
This is the realm of monarch slavery and one which many don’t
get to escape, their own fears leave them behind stuck in a rut so to speak
It is no secret that right now in this time and age it is
not time to make mistakes, or go on new adventures or make new decisions or impulsive
choices
Now I am basking in natures beauty, surrounded by old growth
forest, made friends with a robyn and a calico cat that just adores me, not to
mention a striking baby faced man that has come to my rescue
I am not a victim but I am vulnerable given what has
happened to me…part of me was left at wits end living at home with a mother
that believes I committed incest against my own sister…who could live under the
same roof as somebody that thought that
Not that but I had to live with constant nattering, nagging,
and chattering
I am very quiet and put up with it but I was at my wits end,
not to mention somebody living with you with exact opposite qualities such as
vanity, materialism, anger, suspicion, drama
Fuck I was never able to focus much longer than 20 minutes. Thankfully
I am opposite schedule than everyone else (I follow the moon) so that offered
some peace and contemplation in the early hours
What I didn’t get is the seething anger and drama that
spilled out of her lips almost within seconds of her waking, a time when I am
most at risk to the vulnerabilities of schizophrenia.
What did it the end was the fact that I was living with
a lunatic, sort of the title they afford
people like me, but in my opinion it is the undiagnosed ones that have the most
battiness in my opinion
While I was there venting my frustrations into my art and my
books I have accomplished quite a bit.
Now I am with a man that is serene, loving, kind, happy,
content and beautiful
Part of me wants to throw it all away based on my fears of
love and intimacy to become a monk
Me personally a teenage hood of sexwork has left me
defeated, literally freaked out and scared of intimacy – much better to swear
off that which pains us most I feel
We met by fluke online and now here I am quite a few months
later after a failed attempt at moving in every belonging I have and now the 2nd
attempt at living here- it is almost unbelievable the amount I am almost
expecting to be talked to death or told my distinctions and titles don’t mean
anything
Most youth 20-35 are living with their parents through this
time, so I know I am not an oddity, almost forced there out of finances and
coming back to security in the nest but this leaves the past wide open and it
also allows the parental nature to come to effect to tiring ends and some are giving
up
I thank divine nature for introducing me to my man, we are
technically roomies but I adore him and his way of life. I am due to go
catsitting in a week for my bday (the big 30) hehe yet I still don’t act or
look mature so oh well minus the one or two white hairs I am getting haha an
old boi
So some of us like the future to be told to us, and others
make rash decisions that take guts
And who do you trust, well you can trust your inner voice,
and that of divine nature to guide you to your next learning lesson….it has
been painful going through the emotions I have by my own birth mother accusing
me of flipping some switch on her laptop and not believing me, accusing me of
eating most of her jam when I had a litre full in my cupboard, when I told her “mom
I cant live in an environment where your constantly yelling and swearing all
the time” she said “why don’t you go fucking move out”
These are words that are not based in love or compassion,
somebody believing that I am an incestor or whatever lol and the cause of a
breakup and just some criminal that needs to be watched is not an environment
that adheres to what I am looking for, to be surrounded by kind, compassionate,
loving, sincere, happy, serene, loving beings.
I am being in the moment about things, loving my forest
cabin away from it all…
That is what life is about, but the steps can be exhausting
Take care blogbuddies
Shaun A. Delage
