maL:e love

Quad Galleria

champa pa

What a painful few days it has been ascension wise, leaving the comforts of a material paradise that offered me little growth or focus

I have moved from home and most of the time my discourses aren’t so personal more universal but I am pained by being abused by own mother at age 30

Truth is abuse has never escaped my life just mixed in with material rewards or whatever

It is tough to wind down and almost expecting the experiences which have been plaguing me for years

This is the realm of monarch slavery and one which many don’t get to escape, their own fears leave them behind stuck in a rut so to speak

It is no secret that right now in this time and age it is not time to make mistakes, or go on new adventures or make new decisions or impulsive choices

Now I am basking in natures beauty, surrounded by old growth forest, made friends with a robyn and a calico cat that just adores me, not to mention a striking baby faced man that has come to my rescue

I am not a victim but I am vulnerable given what has happened to me…part of me was left at wits end living at home with a mother that believes I committed incest against my own sister…who could live under the same roof as somebody that thought that

Not that but I had to live with constant nattering, nagging, and chattering

I am very quiet and put up with it but I was at my wits end, not to mention somebody living with you with exact opposite qualities such as vanity, materialism, anger, suspicion, drama

Fuck I was never able to focus much longer than 20 minutes. Thankfully I am opposite schedule than everyone else (I follow the moon) so that offered some peace and contemplation in the early hours

What I didn’t get is the seething anger and drama that spilled out of her lips almost within seconds of her waking, a time when I am most at risk to the vulnerabilities of schizophrenia.

What did it the end was the fact that I was living with a  lunatic, sort of the title they afford people like me, but in my opinion it is the undiagnosed ones that have the most battiness in my opinion

While I was there venting my frustrations into my art and my books I have accomplished quite a bit.

Now I am with a man that is serene, loving, kind, happy, content and beautiful

Part of me wants to throw it all away based on my fears of love and intimacy to become a monk

Me personally a teenage hood of sexwork has left me defeated, literally freaked out and scared of intimacy – much better to swear off that which pains us most I feel

We met by fluke online and now here I am quite a few months later after a failed attempt at moving in every belonging I have and now the 2^nd attempt at living here- it is almost unbelievable the amount I am almost expecting to be talked to death or told my distinctions and titles don’t mean anything

Most youth 20-35 are living with their parents through this time, so I know I am not an oddity, almost forced there out of finances and coming back to security in the nest but this leaves the past wide open and it also allows the parental nature to come to effect to tiring ends and some are giving up

I thank divine nature for introducing me to my man, we are technically roomies but I adore him and his way of life. I am due to go catsitting in a week for my bday (the big 30) hehe yet I still don’t act or look mature so oh well minus the one or two white hairs I am getting haha an old boi

So some of us like the future to be told to us, and others make rash decisions that take guts

And who do you trust, well you can trust your inner voice, and that of divine nature to guide you to your next learning lesson….it has been painful going through the emotions I have by my own birth mother accusing me of flipping some switch on her laptop and not believing me, accusing me of eating most of her jam when I had a litre full in my cupboard, when I told her “mom I cant live in an environment where your constantly yelling and swearing all the time” she said “why don’t you go fucking move out”

These are words that are not based in love or compassion, somebody believing that I am an incestor or whatever lol and the cause of a breakup and just some criminal that needs to be watched is not an environment that adheres to what I am looking for, to be surrounded by kind, compassionate, loving, sincere, happy, serene, loving beings.

I am being in the moment about things, loving my forest cabin away from it all…

That is what life is about, but the steps can be exhausting

Take care blogbuddies

     Shaun A. Delage

zen fight

 

Recently pondering my last purchase in great depth, spending one hundred dollars on a ticket for a hospital lottery in todays economic climate seems silly to most but to me it is all encompassing

I welcome wealth into my life and material possessions and have grown very used to having the bare minimums, using Buddhist monastic life as a key to living I find is essential to a persons growth

I view monastics as complete lunatics now for forcing themselves into a subservience of sorts but I can relate being obsessed about the idea of monastic life to the point of me becoming a forest monk boyfriend

I laugh that the introduction to my forest monastery was complete opulence and it was, not many Buddhist monks get to make croutons and pet felines and drink wine and talk of far off lands or surf the net tucked away in the middle of a loft in the furest

Part of me came to realizations in the furest that it was a manifestation of my reality in a sense but as well it was a manifestation of my greatest needs, to be loved, to be cared for and to live in solitude

I was literally obsessed with the ideas of monastic living to the point of exhaustion saying well if only I become a forest monk everything will change.

Tapping into my inner nature I discovered that isolation to that degree and enlightenment like in that regard did not necessarily agree with me and I know I embrace my inherent citizenship in the matrix

I believe you can oppose the system and still be apart of it, making conscious decisions to affect change

So when I think of people literally laughing at me for spending my last $100 on a lottery ticket I only say that it is a fragmented investment in my ultimate reality because unlike the 6/49 or lottomax numbers- which everyone dreams they can win the 50 million I can visualize my lottery win in the form of me living in the house with the suite, essentially creating a reference point

I am able to go inside the house thanks to the virtual tours and visualize myself living there not something you can imagine with the mainstream lotteries and besides the odds in a hospital lottery are 1 in 118,000 when the odds of 6/49 are 1 in 14,000,000 and lottomax are 1 in 28,000,000

Not saying people don’t win, people win every week but it is by fluke essentially and I figure since my odds are greater, I don’t smoke pot anymore, I have no children or responsibilities and I have been entering these things non stop for about 10 years, matched with the fact that I can visualize the win, and my inherent degree of luck – I barely walk out of the casinos a loser usually with $1000 or greater in my pocket but also we have very very short lives here dictated by forces we cannot control and me in part I want to affect change in my reality and one of the ways I can do that is by using something I am sure can affect change in my life such as this

While everyone is fiendishly paying $100 a month at $2 or $5 a pop on 6/49 or lotto max here in Canada

I am spending that amount on my ticket for the hospital lottery which makes sense and in a sense it is a genius idea being regulated in its own regard but not every country has hospital lotteries nor do united states hospitals require any fundraising efforts with the state of health care there...

While it is nice to dream of my win in a house on main street with a suite and a garage I can turn into a coach house and $200,000 I wholeheartedly believe me winning $50,000,000 would be dangerous

I need to have something to show for my money in the form of an investment or whatever to make sure I don’t succumb to the temptations of wealth and I have been introduced to those temptations in my reality in the form of observing heroin addicted millionaires on yachts abusing fifteen year olds or for example vice presidents of banks that attempt to give some dirty little thief HIV through infected initiates or hostile ambassadors that take their angst out on twinks

I have seen and observed the trauma state of wealth and to tell you the truth I don’t really want any part in it but I know I am destined to come into many many millions in my lifetime with what I have been shown and what I have observed and essentially what has happened to me

But I want it to be on my terms, not dictated by an evil mysterious cult or selling my soul in a blood oath or having to submit to some gross old koot as a sugar daddy lol sense my frustration haha

So I am happy living with very little and since I don’t succumb to the slave state and the solar sun cult I have no visible distinction in reality

My reality is formed through creative will and the amount of untold karmic balance I have as a world famous occultist of the church of techno and essentially that is what I am because my experiences are unexplainable and lay within the realms of mystery and esoteric natural harmony

Then I lovingly explain to people that my former incarnation was female and involved within the highest realms of the eastern star cult but I lost my life in a horrific sense and vowed to right the wrongs of my ways of inflicting harm on others and work to affect true change and true enlightenment on the world in entirety   

My goals are not that of fame or wealth but to invariably enter singular conciousnesses  and affect true change and in a way I do that but I also welcome a lot of pain and hurt and hatred into my life so it takes great skill to release that negativity from my soul when in effect it latches on like a gelatinous alien and just sucks energy

I just had somebody with the first name mason talk to me in second life and I have to say this is a funny notion because I have always crushed on this guy who was another avatar and he has since contacted me again and I have pondered the fact that my soulmate may be an initiated sellout in a sense but why would I hate what I have no idea of.

While I may wholeheartedly oppose secrecy I am not closed to the idea of being matched with somebody involved in their own mystery of life on their end of the spectrum two opposites may attract and in a sense be a union of opposites but essentially isn’t this what love is

While I may oppose freemasonry I am not opposed to the idea of loving a freemason in a sense and I know it sounds funny and ironic given my own interactions with most of the grand lodge of the BC and Yukon and I have no doubts in my mind I am in a sense probably one of the only honorary masons in my region that far supersedes any of their grand worshipful masters based on a quotient for incarnations and incarnated souls and soul swapping and soul harnessing and the fact that I remain dimensional royalty

Ah the ego of the aries and ah the ego of the priest and prophet of the church of techno

Now can you see why they are so desperate to keep me poor in abject poverty and addicted to things like marijuana? This post serves as a reminder of my inherent natural wisdom state without clouded thoughts and the ability to traverse the astral realms and have romantic encounters with very very powerful astral entities

 – Shaun A. Delage

blacklight lane 2.2