I have been struggling to come to terms with a decision i have made recently and yet the world around me seems to be making the choice for me.
I applied to be a long term server at Vipassana meditation center in the middle of nowhere in the middle of british Columbia
I have been to two courses that last in excess of ten days each
I have deepened my meditation practice to include at least one meditation per day sometimes quite a few. While i have hijacked the meditation to use it for building wealth i don’t know maybe it will pay off one day maybe not.
I have been pondering my reckless search for wealth and it is funny to me because my enlightenment may rest with a life without the use of money
Mind you of course i don’t want to isolate myself in the forest and swear of the world
But the argument goes much deeper than that in my spirit and my soul
I guess this would be a kindergarden before becoming a Buddhist monk but something i have been pondering is what if my purpose is to simply be a long term server, in which i get to keep my hair, keep handling money. I can have some time off when needed and well i get money flowing in every month for nothing so i am in a pretty fortunate position to take something like this on.
It means i would lose alot though. To gain so much more enlightenment seems worth it.
My home life can be challenging.
I know the universe can sense my frustration in a sense and if things don’t work out with vipassana at least i know i can go there in the future.
This is a troubling time for me, emotionally because i have taken on the realm of a virtual long distance and very loving relationship.
Plus i have my virtual business to watch out for etc
So yes troubling time
I like to see how the universe makes this one fold out for me, because i am unable to make the right choice myself.
I guess in a way i have made the choice already
Just coming to terms with letting go is troubling
I mean what a profound experience to be able to go through something like this in the west.
So i will see if my application is accepted and go from there.
I was pondering my fortunate karma for being shown vipassana meditation at around age 20 and i actually stumbled on a discourse given by the spiritual leader of vipassana meditation while on a walk in Vancouver BC
To leave the home life to serve meditators seems stressful
But this is a choice i must make in my life because i am not around people of my own kind. I am not around other meditators, I am not around people that have common purpose or intellectualism. I just feel somewhat anxious at this point given my hermetic role in society. On one hand i could not imagine myself being in my “life” for 5 more years.
I strive to attain enlightenment and possibly finding that enlightenment being in service to others.
Now mind you my last experience at vipassana was not a glorious one, i actually got into a few altercations with an assistant teacher over a few trivialities. But i was pre diagnosis and pre medication so I have an excuse.
I think i was simply to infantile and juvenile in my meditation to be able to perceive the gift that was given to me, given to me by our creator, our gods and our oversight
Simply so that i may address illusion everywhere and not live in ignorance
Now mind you the setup is rather cult like, and they have affiliations with the lions club and eastern star halls etc so that lead me to list them on my captivation piece along with the argumentative nature of the teacher.
So we have ourselves a little paradox.
If accepted, i would seriously ponder this one. While depressing to leave a virtual life and a virtual husband. If i pondered this decision in totality i would have to make the right decision based on my soul. My path. My future path and my life.
