Well the opposite of what I thought would happen with the
letter to my mother, in it I corrected many misconceptions of my youth and was
able to finally and fully tell my story, which I think is an empowering
process. She has left all communication with me, but what did I have to begin
with in a sense, she doesn’t make any sort of effort to keep up a relationship
with me.
She pretty much just left me on facebook and banned my name
and I guess she is too ashamed to accept my version of the truth.
One thing I came to terms with in writing a letter to bring
peace and hopefully evolve our relationship is the fact that she did too abuse
me as a youngster, she chose the man that would inflict untold amounts of
physical and psychological trauma on me. She says she was never there or that
she never saw anything so it seems like a cop out and an easy one at best.
Part of the letter included the fact that I forgave her, and
she chose to end all ties with me which is her choice.
I can now feel what it feels like for the many people that
have had parents fail them. There are countless people in society that their
parents have cause irreparable harm to them and this is why many people are
addicted and in pain, or in jail. People aren’t as eloquent in describing their
pain in a five page letter, but I am a very good writer hehe
I keep my mind on the path, it is heartbreaking to not
include somebody that should be so close on it and I am convinced that
sometimes the greatest people you can trust are strangers rather than your own
family.
I think my cats passing has taught me a tremendous amount
about life and the path I want to lead. At such a sad time I was willing to
express myself to my mother and she just basically cowered rather than deal
with it like an adult.
I keep my mind on positivity however, I have a very
beautiful life out here in the forest in my cabin/kuti and I have become a
lacto-ovo vegetarian again and I am picking up my writing where I last left off
in the third book, I think it will be an epic story to bring to the world, part
of me wants to finish this story and it’s sequels harmoniously so that I can
start working on other projects, the next book, my fourth- I want to do a
sci-fi type book :::)
I strongly believe that techno has the power to heal along
with time, and that you can overcome any obstacle with a varying spectrum of
techno-meditation-time scenario
The best station I listen to is techno station on DI.FM it
is awesome haha
Part of me in writing the letter was to bring closure to an
otherwise chaotic childhood, and to be able to finally tell my side of the story-in
which nobody has asked for, and my mother chose to close the door to our life
and that is not my fault, that is something she needs to come to terms with and
if she never does than most likely she will hold onto that pain and her side of
events for countless decades. The process however painful and anxiety inducing
has allowed me to get my side of the story told and to put closure to the
events that surrounded my life and in seeing her cower away most likely because
she is ashamed –now I know my route or path in life does not include those that
are supposedly so close to me.
I see people close with their family and my heart aches in a
sense because I never had that tenderness or affection. But it has not stopped
me from being trusting and loving to other people, exactly quite the opposite
most likely has happened instead of creating an indebted, cruel, angry person
the matrix essentially has created a bright shining indigo Buddha scavenged out
of the tears and pain from an abusive past.
The whole world is suffering in one way or another, many
people don’t have any idea why they are here, how they could choose this place
or what is going to transpire. Essentially you can wait for the answers to come
to you or you can make your own reality.
-Shaun A. Delage
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