My life lately has been a sad evolution, after living with
my mother for almost 4 years after a breakup of 9 years I have decided to leave
home and move to a lake beside Victoria named Shawnigan lake hehe named after
meh.
Evolution and change it seems are very hard to do, somebody
told me after venting some frustrations of living with family –you can move,
were all given the same chance in life.
Sadly because of finances and such I felt trapped. Most
youth these days are living at home as well and the ones that are not are
living in a painful plethora and confusing array of slavery, social obligations
and servicing debt
While I view moving in with a trusted and amazing friend a
beautiful miracle, that I am permitted to live a rural existence, I am pained
by my last attempt to move to the lake, I wanted out but when I got here the
isolation and everything got to me
While I also identify as being non sexual with a partner it
is easier to say hey bud lets just be roomies hehe
I am rather defeated by love it seems, not being able to identify
into a sexual role per se but a technological sexuality
My life it seems must go through stages of letting go for me
to move onto enlightenment
My end goals are a Buddhist hermitage on Denman island at
the moment and it is a glorious miracle as well that I am able to handle money
even as a monk, the kagyu lineage is not particularily conservative and it is a
monastery that I will be working to build from the ground up- they have a yurt
for meditations an RV and some cabin style accommodations
It has been my focus to ordain as a Buddhist monk since
taking two 10 day retreats in the Vipassana meditation centres and while those
doors are shut to me there is the ability to possibly ordain in an ancient
tibetian lineage rather than the conservative thai therevada lineage
I would have to save up money to go to Nepal to be ordained
but would eventually come back as a full fledged Buddhist monk and this remains
my focus and my goal
While Buddhism is a rather odd faith to believe in, it is
also rather reclusive and offers things
like shaving hair, celibacy, no eating after noon etc which to the common laity
seems a bit of an extreme measure but one many nuns, monks and llamas undertake
It has been painful the past couple days almost severing ties
to my old life and welcoming and adapting to change, this was my greatest fear-
2012 seems to be a time of not undertaking grave adventures or making undue
risks but maybe this is the propaganda at work who knows, just sit back and
watch the world go by because it is going to end haha
What I find most appealing about monastic living is being
around beings of my own kind, evolved, smart, happy, compassionate, sincere,
sensitive old souls striving for enlightenment and it is a life long commitment
The lord Buddha instituted the monastic order to alleviate
the suffering of the householding life.
While I also identify with being a lay hermit it seems that
this hermitage would fit considering I would have a lifelong income afforded to
me due to my illness but I understand it would be a lot for the monastery to
take on, a medicated insomniac schizophrenic gay guy but monks and nuns are
never perfect
Mostly nobody sees any shreds of mental illness in me,
thanks to my medication I am on and it is prevalent in times of stress
It is very terrifying to make rash choices in life and deal
with the outcome
But I believe I am being protected and guided by forces none
of us can understand
My life was an internal prison structure and I need an
evolved step to bring me to my most ultimate purpose. Life deals out choices
like this
Most likely if I am refused in the denman island place I
will look at moving back to Vancouver or choose to stay here in shaunigan lake
hehe
Hold onto enlightenment, it acts swift
Shaun A. Delage
