Finding my own souls path amidst a life of trauma and enlightenment proves challenging
Part of me doesn’t want to forget the past and then other parts of me wants to leave it behind
Some of my more illustrious nature proves to be challenging to let go of
I cant simply move on with universal insight unless i put some of the world of my own to rest and just move on and in someways how could i articulate universal wisdom without having an aura of universalism to me
I am going to be studying for my masters degree in religion and another doctorate and if all goes well i am going to order the PHD and these are all readily available on Universal Life Church’s website..just with the more advanced degrees there is studying and exams and such ...
And anybody may become ordained and like me ask for further instruction that will aid others but also aid a resume as well
Essentially battling my inner demons with my captivation piece which is now going to lay in a simple link on the site
When one is severely injured by the system and by others you grow an attachment to the trauma essentially
What i haven’t faced is the possibility that it was all my own doing mixed with other peoples influence which only adds to the attachment
When one lives a profoundly traumatic life, you grow obsessed with the fact that the system is there to stack the odds against you further
When it is wiser to embrace the love of the system and remind oneself that sometimes the illusion persists in the thoughtforms of other people around you and it can only be perpetuated by those around you. Without them you are simply in a dark room all alone.
So battling the captivation of my own life and the bittersweet challenges that come into my life and i have taken the middle ground.
I understand the need to share my own mistakes with younger and older people alike and show that one can evolve past it all and work to better themselves around a plethora of beauty mixed with bits of illusion
I am one year and a few months past my breakup... yet i miss my old life profoundly...part of me wants another chance with my ex but part of me just wants to move on and forget it –it is the same thing i am going through listing and relisting my captivation piece.
Life was easier for me with him, life was so fantasy and illusion and in a way i had no idea how much everything was ok for me until i lost it all.
I thank him though for keeping me alive for 8 years that seemed to fly by.
Some of me wants another chance but a bit more evolved but other pieces of me remember how pained i was in the breakup and i think these attachments are complete madness lol
He wants me to take a university level English course on his dollar which i find funny and a bit amusing lol he is the type of person that would share his income and go hungry for a week rather than keep it to himself.
I remember that i am an artist and a dreamer and i have much more to offer somebody if that should come up...I think back to the wiccan psychics words “You two just need time”
Its not like i am never wanting to see him again, frankly being friends is better than lovers
But i look forward into the future and to most it is mind numbing anxiety and i as well can relate to that concept
I lose myself in editing my book some days and understand now that it is written i have years and years of building on what i do have to produce a final result a published novel that outshines any ivy leaguer muhaha
I have years left of refining my articulation in the body of the novel and fine tuning it before i can submit it to a publisher and not many people i know of can write an entire 68 chapter novel in less than a year hehe only meh
But it gives me something to believe in other than illusion, i read through the rough draft and am amazed how it came together so quickly in a year and i know i don’t really have a plot much like fear and loathing in las vegas just a surrealist adventure that is gonna make some people read it or eventually *crosses fingers* see the movie and say holy fuck, my consciousness is altered !
It is funny being a very sound writer yet with no actual skill at writing i mean specifically grammar and punctuation which anybody can tell reading through my blog haha BLECK to punctuation Bleck to grammar
So for me writing is only accentuated with this blog and being able to articulate trauma and universalism and ascension amidst a world of illusion, pain and love
The reason to keep captivation somewhat public is , it is a work of performance art , one i could be sued over but i am willing to take that risk. But i also have the inherent belief that others have essentially had some influence over my trauma
Coming from a very introverted mind these days, i only have my madness to retreat to. This never used to be the case however in my rave days i had thousands of friends , in fact it was tough to keep up with them all but i found some relations naturally imploded in totality and these days most of my intimate conversing rests with the impersonal and safest method being the internet and virtuosity
I am sure thats the case for alot of people an introvert haven so to speak, of madness!
But don’t forget creativity and beauty as well
What the world has in store for me i will never know but it is tough to be in a soul that is afraid to explore and i don’t know what i am afraid of, its not like everyone keeps a steak knife in their sock waiting to feast on you lol
Gradually i have been coming out of my shell and it is tough but i feel people can sense the depth of emotion in me. That troubles me but moreso they sense an incredibly profound spirit and they don’t completely know how to define that feeling.
I don’t even know what is so profound, to some i am simply a trash being haha to others i am a lower god boy being and to others i am just strange
Maybe they just sense my weirdness and this makes me think i don’t need my every pain and torture out visible in the front of the blog for all to see
People can sense it.
I look out at people and sense my inner turmoil is not relatively unique
That most people are obtaining profound levels of enlightenment
I only need to look at my own illness and the definition of, “schizophrenia- to see things out of touch with reality” and i think to myself this is the only lifelong illness i would love to have haha
So people are going through their own pseudo processor code of trauma vs enlightenment and nasty karma
Part of me see’s the people racing by and i don’t want the world to pass me by either but i am reminded of the old adage “slow and steady wins the race”
So i rest with levels of excitement and love for the future because what else is left ? nothing i want to take pride in other than excitement and love.
I call on my guides to show me the way and what i get is a scary surprise i get an alligator it took me to a cruiseship for teens and they had cool food cool people and wandered around different cafes and some lady shared like a blueberry crumble with me which was nice of her cause it came to about $100 but when she went to eat it she ate it in one gulp and gave me a few crumbs which i happily accepted and there was a woman putting food on her breast at the check out counter and she was rubbing it on her nipple
Next the alligator took me to a school i saw a fight to the death people were getting brutally slaughtered and hurt one guy sliced into another guys head it was pretty gross but this was a movie or a show of realism and i walked outside sick to my stomach and found a group of kids out front and told them none of what they see is real and then i caught a bus through the streets and i went to a street and went to a shop and was trying on some rings on each finger i wanted at least fifteen per hand
Chillen and flippen
But wanting to chill and trip
Yet wandering through chill yet slick
And finding my way past flipping and chill
Where the world will you find me
And where in the world will i show up next
Only funny to imagine the possibilities
-Shaun A. Delage
