STRAIGHT MEN DO “GAY” THINGS AS LONG AS WE DON’T CALL THEM GAY. Sixteen former University of Michigan hockey players are suing over alleged ritualized hazing. According to the lawsuit, male players were allegedly: • forcibly stripped and shaved around their hummus cannons • subjected to objects being inserted into their stinkers • had their hummus cannon and dragon pearl hair singed with a blowtorch • had their dragon pearls tied to helmets/buckets weighted with hockey pucks • forced to drink heavily and eat live fish Some were reportedly only 17. Let me be crystal clear: coercion is abuse. Consent is everything. But can we talk about the elephant in the locker room? Our culture has created these bizarre underground spaces where “straight” men can engage in intensely sexualized behaviour with other men as long as it’s disguised as hazing, initiation, wrestling, a prank, or “just the boys.” Two consenting men explore each other? GAY. A locker room full of heterosexual men ritualistically touching each other’s cannons? BROTHERHOOD. Maybe male sexuality has always been far more fluid and complicated than the boxes we’ve been given. The problem isn’t men exploring with men. The problem is doing it without consent.