BREAKING: YOU’RE HIRED! Kash Patel’s FBI drops automatic ban on recruits who hired prostitutes, stole from their bosses – and even committed BESTIALITY! Yes, apparently the FBI has reached the “maybe the bestiality thing was just a youthful indiscretion” stage of the Trump administration. Readers, we are not making this up. Earlier this summer, the bureau quietly rewrote its hiring rules so that paying for sex (fewer than three times, more than 10 years ago), stealing from your boss (if it’s been over three years), and even animal cruelty or bestiality (as long as you were under 18) are no longer automatic dealbreakers. Think about that. The people who get badges, guns, and access to your private data can now skate on some truly impressive past hobbies – provided the timetable checks out. The FBI insists this is just “flexibility” so they can look at individual circumstances. They even floated the helpful example of someone who paid for sex where it was legal … or was themselves a victim of animal-related abuse. (Wait, what?) But here’s the part they don’t put in the press release: Kash Patel is desperate for bodies. The FBI hemorrhaged over 1,100 special agents in 2025 through firings, resignations, and retirements. Down to roughly 13,700 agents. So the solution to a purge-driven staffing crisis is … lower the bar until almost anyone can clear it. Once upon a time, there was a certain reassuring logic to the idea that the people entrusted with FBI badges, guns, classified intelligence and extraordinary law-enforcement powers faced unusually demanding standards of personal conduct to earn that necessary trust. After years of screaming that the FBI under those old standards was full of corrupt deep-state villains, the Trump team’s fix is apparently “maybe the guy who used to steal from the till and had that one minor indiscretion with livestock will be fine with a badge.” We believe people can grow up and move on from the stupid follies of their youth. We also used to believe the folks with extraordinary power over the rest of us should meet slightly higher standards than “not recently.” Under Kash Patel, even that is negotiable.