a lot of this world is madness
we are engrained that we must be productive at all times to be recognized like we must be making money for the system at all times to be useful to the new world order…like lately I have been racking my head over whether to take some janitorial courses or pursue some flexible work and I just l laugh cause I have like 6 jobs already and am highly energized and highly productive doing more art than any of the greats in my life and its an amazing aspect of being an artist is to produce so much art
I think it has come to be my second nature that I dont even see it as work or anything its just so fun and theraputic to do -it super funny because I will never be a wholesome little wage earner like everyone wants me to be -with a schedule and a wage and all that its more than that- I get a pension from canada its kind of a basic income and it allows me to serve others endlessly for a very catastrophic living wage lmao but I make it work like I think to be under the poverty line I would have to double my disability pension hahaha and it was not easy to get on -which makes me think a lot about food stamps - they dont just let anyone on these programs -like to my disability I had to be hospitalized 6 times for over 2 month stays and they even would not help me get on it the first three times I had to go nude all over town several times where they were like holy shit this dude needs to be medicated and released from the stresses of the competitive job market hahaha I had to get around a 30 page form filled out by a psychiatrist and I was approved back around the turn of the century and they dont just approve anyone -like while I may appear sane and stable and like. I dont need the help I am on like 4 or 5 medications that help and I may never actually recover there is no cure for my illness and medication can only help alleviate some things but essentially i will always be more at risk to my life collapsing or being taken advantage of or my life totally imploding or like at risk to suicide or drug addiction etc but thankfully that stuff wont happen to me - I have a spiritual side, people out there somewhere that depend on my outlook to defeat the new world order - cats to feed a house to clean and more art than any known artist to make in my lifetime and I deffo dont want to come around and do this again and again haha honestly i like to romanticize myself in the new world order as some apocalypse janitor or fishing fishes to pay my rent which would be rank cleaning them and killing them for their meat etc just would throw up ripping all the poor creatures insides out that wanted to live as much as I did
I just kind of believe somewhat that society is too vulnerable to collapse entirely and that it has kind of already partially collapsed on several realities its nothing apocalyptic its just that divine spark that was in the 90’s etc is gone and was killed brutally and we are left with a totally new energy running things that is void of all the creativity and immensity that once was. will we all be okay? who knows but its cool to have a need to help others through art or religion or you dont even have to do any of that and just exist and just breathe like you dont have to be at the breadlines handing out bread to heroin addicts like you simply exist in your room or castle and that is your life -much of my life has been immense suffering and in my path I am questioning if I can ever speak to my mother again and dont really have the influence of my fathers side so I am left as any gay person mostly is and without the support of a family unit- its painful but I just cant get over with how I was treated with my most recent ex and most people normalize this all as something that should be laughed off but to me being subject to all this really hurt me and set me off on a path of survival and craziness but I am okay- I just wish samsara afforded like permanence and comfort hahaha mostly with money lol but I am trying lol I just figure the more people I put on a different path thru my ministry or that see my art or read my posts all the better
I struggle with issues such as societal identity and class structure and roles here and family and relationships but that is okay and that is what I am here to do
so maybe I was not here to be a janitor or a fisherman/fisherperson
who knows but I am just here to breathe knowing I have battled some vast demons like smoking and crime and freemasons so maybe the world is against me but its better to be more optimistic than that and see that this is all needed for you to grow as a person. I hate my life sometimes…I think back to my past and am like how the fuck did that even happen or take place lol
I just take comfort and luck in the present
that I am able to meditate and chill
feed cats
and thank the heavens for another day here
endlessly lol