When I think of god and the divine I tend to think about my
own path. When I think of how much adversity I have had in my life, I also
think about how fortunate I am to be alive.
To be a suicide survivor is a massive thing to think about,
because I almost left the planet prematurely.
The disabilities I face are pretty stressful at times, but
they are a rarity for now. Being a suicide survivor nobody really wants to talk
about nor face that part in your life.
I have extreme shaking in my hands sometimes, and most
people have ‘their thing’ but when I look at a server serving a nice brunch and
they have no problems handing me the plate I tend to be envious.
Envious because they have what I have not. Dexterity.
When my hands shake, I can think of nothing else but my
future, I also have serious nerve damage in my wrists, along with scars and
dexterity issues. I wonder whether it will get worse, at times I almost feel
what somebody with parkinson’s disease has. And when your disability involves
something so close to a person such as their hands, their livelihood, it
strikes home to me.
I feel fortunate that my attempt on my life wasn’t
successful, It was Very serious however I was flown back to the country and had
to go right into a code red unit in a childrens hospital.
Part of me wonders – why me, why so young, why so deep, why
so serious, why didn’t I leave, why am I so lucky.
Then I think of my other disability, that involves the mind,
my mental illness, and when your disabilities include the mind and hands it
does strike home.
You tend to grasp suffering in all conceptualization. You
tend to be compassionate towards others, you tend to feel lucky in life, and
you tend to do not what everyone else is doing.
I feel almost like I have invisible illnesses
90% of the time I am okay but I realize now, I will never,
count that, NEVER have a working life.
Perhaps something on my own terms like my books or whatever
But for these things that people take for granted I also
feel very fortunate to be living and breathing this very moment and how
fortunate I feel to share my suffering and my life with you my readers, disciples
and friends.
Get well soon Paris Jackson
- Shaun A. Delage
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