I cant help but ponder my last living situation and the
misery I was going through living with family and a monarch situation where I
was endlessly programmed at will
Lately I have been discovering affection, for smaller
animals and insects but also my lover
It is a strange feeling having somebody reach across the
couch and stroke the back of your head
My life has been void of affection and even as a youngin
that affection between family was put in a bizarre sexual context what I would
have given for my mother to kiss my forehead or my cheek
To love another it seems, takes some skill….
many are searching out meanings of love or a lover and have no idea what they are getting themselves involved in
many are searching out meanings of love or a lover and have no idea what they are getting themselves involved in
My last relationship was void of most affection my
upbringing was void of that as well
To actually love another unconditionally is the greatest
skill of a human being
I look at my new beautiful and shining baby faced man and I
just melt
I told him tonight I won the male lottery finding him haha
Real love takes hard work and takes a kind soul otherwise
you will just attract another person like yourself.
Many months ago I felt my life was hopeless and without
meaning
I remember going to the beach at 4 am and broke down crying –
I didn’t know why love has not found me and why I was stuck in an abode where
my life didn’t matter
I was going to jump in the water because I felt I had
nothing to exist for and I asked divine nature to please send me somebody that
would love me, unconditionally and for my entire life
Now I cant promise how things will turn out but he has the
exact qualities I have been seeking in somebody –posting hundreds of craigslist
and plenty of fish ads and I finally found him on the website and it was a
confusing initial few weeks
I loved him so much and connected tantrically and I wanted
him to be mine so I moved in then a few days passed and I cruelly packed my
things and moved out and back to a place where I was unloved and not respected
Well the weekends away did help and I finally decided to
move back in a few weeks ago
Now I have a shining man close to my age that I love and
adore and same goes his attitude towards me and this is what I was looking for –
a non materialist, kind, compassionate, smart, cute bloke to call mine
When it hit I walked away from it all and have begun to
forgive myself for moving out but change is difficult on any person –
thankfully I can move anywhere in my province and still keep my income,
something not many people with commitments can do.
Rural existence is beautiful and exactly my original
programming and I enjoy living in the peace and quiet of the furest when in the
city everything is constantly blaring at you a mile a minute
One of the things that I struggled with was dependency on
another – I mean as far as driving or whatever and I couldn’t for the life of
me be dependent on another and I struggled with this for quite some time but
there is a profound level of respect when you give over your needs to another
Time ticks by and I think of that morning on the beach or my
self inflicted suicide attempt and I think how horrible of a world this can be
to people and I think about constantly what if? What if I succeeded on my
attempt on my life- where would I be right now? Prolly floating away in the
astral world
But the Buddhists believe a human birth is very fortunate
and takes thousands of years and I see us all here and in this immaculate movie
playing out- nobody knows how it’s going to turn out
I can’t help but wonder as well how exactly I am being
positioned for 2012
Without the
protection and guidance of my lover I would be still in my taxing living
arrangement with family and the constant nattering
I believe those in rural situations will be able to survive
in a systemic collapse easily. But those in cities and metropolis’s will
struggle and now is not the time to head for the caves god no lol
I have not been a firm believer in 2012 but it is always
nice to be prepared
And I cant think of what would happen in a systemic
collapse, the light and power go off, internet shuts down, businesses shut
their doors, gas prices rise to a $100 a litre
Nobody imagines this, but this is something they have been
using as a tool of oppression for many many centuries – the threat of apocalypse
be it with the threat of an occupying force or whatever this has been used
against us since Egyptian or roman times.
So best to be prepared yet not very paranoid
Blessings blogbuddies
-
Shaun A. Delage
