underdawg

In some ways it is easier for me to stick up for the underdog, being one myself.

People look at me, and think a few things when they find that i am on disability assistance

They think, either he is too lazy to find employment, isn’t trying hard enough, or that my disability doesn’t warrant any assistance

What they don’t understand is that i have two disabilities, that are life long.

They would never know because they are not in my incarnation so how would they have an opinion

I always have the fear that i will be cut from disability...part of the process is filling out a 26 page form that established whether or not you are disabled with a life long condition.

The first disability i am dealing with is my schizophrenia. Basically a neurochemical hereditary imbalance

Which with medication i am able to manage effectively ... most of the time i don’t feel i have an illness at all which is great then there are times where stress takes over and my mind goes into hyperspeed which i think i have displayed several times in my writing.

Schizophrenia is not a bad thing, in a sense there are genius’s with the illness, but likewise the other end of the spectrum there are serious evil people that have it and use the illness to murder.

Many people don’t understand me, and jokingly say things like i am on welfare. When this is far from the case, i make about twice what somebody makes on welfare

I don’t have alot of money, i am more on a priests wage lol and it is comfortable, any Buddhist monk would be pleased with the amount i rake in each month lol but that is beside the point. At least all my basic needs are taken care of for the time being.

If i was to ever get cut from it i could easily take the province the court and win in an instant but i am not scared of that really ....my 26 page form proves it beyond a doubt

Next disability i am dealing with is a painful one for me to talk about ....when i attempted suicide.. eye no doubt cut into some nerves on my wrists and arms rendering my hands incapable of doing most things people take for granted.

So i don’t doubt at all that i have nerve damage because sometimes my hands fall asleep on me, and also the four fingers don’t work properly at times, and other times i shake uncontrollably

Sometimes when i am in a hypogylcemic state (no food ) i am unable to carry things like cups and plates because my hands shake so much.

I lovingly scan the ads on craigslist looking for a job and realise i could never really hold any of the jobs on there because of my two illness’s  Although it would be great to have a few hundred extra so i could just blow through it in a few nights drinking fest each week i cannot

This is not my life

My calling is elsewhere, and that i find solace in....i figure others have trouble accepting me for who i am they just simply see me as a being that isn’t trying enough or basically because i have zero capitalist craving i am unworthy of respect or attention

I look back on my 5 year crime spree very much like colton harris moore

And i wonder about myself, because it was right around the time of my attempt....perhaps i was very mad at the world that tried to take my hands away or my life or my spirit

I was acting out in a way that resisted much of the torture instilled on meh
The attempt in way changed me forever

Because before that point i was very social, i was the happiest guy in the world...i was extremely social i was looking for love , i was bright, i was feeling out life

Then it happened and it happened in such a way that was beyond me, that i never would have in my entire life done anything like that to myself...it was neuro torture or neuro rape depending on how you look at it

The whole situation was forced on me and like i said i was very happy even 1 hour prior to the event never would have planned anything like that but that cruel brotherly bastard forced this in me

I forgive him though for putting me through so much pain

Perhaps he will never understand me , likewise he is in my thoughts as well

And was even more with me dating the same star sign as him for so long

I figured out one thing, i am NEVER dating a libra again in my life lol u lost your chance libra men, i am sorry lol the two ambassadors of libras really showed me the essence of balance

Not somewhere i want to go again, ever.

So perhaps i am put into virtual or canadian aristocracy, it is fun for me to jewel up my hand and know that i have the power to set myself free with my own brain and my own mind, my skill and my writing and my art, that i am set free from slavery and hard work in a way it is liberating

And if i am ever unable to support myself it would be time to shave my head and be with people of my own kind.

My mind and skill is the only thing i have, and without it i will be stuck in a pit forever

Not many people have the time to spend on creativity like i do, i am excelling while most have to... worry!

To be very fortunate of one’s talent, yet loving a god for being so forgiving and merciful, yet i am far from religious i am an anti religion, even choosing to be believe in plump asian men over a wise old grandpa that created this whole thing.

I ask my guides to come find me and i get a jumping sandbug

It took me to a friends place where i was buying essential medicine for my existence, marijuana and that was fun because she said the guy had alot on him so in turn i bought alot lol

Next i guess i smoked some cause i was at a desert bar and it was uber ritzy and people were having cheesecake with gold flake and monatomic gold sprinkled on top, to help with awareness

Next i went into an adjoining club called the frat house where it was sort of an extension of the desert bar but more lively music it was great !

Feeling without knowing

But innerstanding with some understanding

Theorizing as to the past and future

But it takes skill to figure out the present

Amongst you and i

Amongst the fallen ones and the ascended masters

We all stay and say hey your goodlookin

Lets lick

Until midnight

The only blog worth reading and the only man worth believing

Because there is a sense of drama in a guru

Always

Figuring out essentially, that gurus and masters don’t matter

The only thing that matters

Is your own

Ascension

-          Shaun A. Delage