I look at his face in my minds eye
I focus
I try and see the illusion in it all
Yet i see the truths
I could dismiss it as trivial
Or perhaps i could embrace this one
My life has been a sum calculation of half illusions and secret elixir like surrealism
Most people lead normal lives shouts the glances of other people
Why are you so special
Why am i?
I have no idea my friend
I dart back
I just know i care about him deeply
I don’t care about all of you
I don’t really give a damn if he is part of the illusion in some secret way
I don’t really think i would care if he was even in this dimension
All i care about is seeing him
Hugging him
Holding him
Smiling
Meditating with him
Flicking a piece of kale at him all fun
I know he would be masterful in his regard
I know what would attract him to me
I know he would smile about me trying to mimick him
I know he would get a kick out of me trying to be all serious
I just care about being with him
It is all i have cared about my entire life
It is all i have worked for
It is all i ever do with any man i meet
I treat him as such
And many men and women can relate
Either there, already... or have been, or are about to
You want to just sit with them for an hour stroking their hair
Or making them dinner and stressing and then eating it together
Asking is it ok every two minutes
Knowing fully well
The spices and the flavour is absolutely divine
You grin
He observes your panther like stride
The way you seemingly lock onto other people and stare for a moment
The way you look into the eyes of somebody
He gets a kick out of how they respond to you
As well, the passing glances you get while walking down the street
A sub being
Alienistic orgy of desire
Thousand cuddlefish all wanting to envelop your being with their tentacles
But i am his
He is mine
I am his protégé
I enjoy him
I get to taste him like you never will
He has let me into his heart
He lets me lick his ear or kiss it
Or combo of both
I think deep down he just wants to be admired
Who doesn’t want to be a god
The perception of godlike qualities is one thing
But to actually be treated like a living powerhouse to an individual
You are my saviour
Forgetting who i am in the process i sit here and remind myself of all the reasons
I should not say hi
Or to never look back and walk the other way and continue on in my virtual misery
My spirit guides remind me daily
YOU ARE GOING TO BE A STAR
The question is, am i going to be a star with him.
Or am i happy being a star on my own
If it is a curse then i would gladly watch him wander away from my grasp
With a drop sliding down my eye
I would want him to not suffer in my right or left hand being held so slightly for 20 hours a day
I would want him to feel safe with me
He knows and i know
It has been dozens of years of wanting this
And perhaps this isn’t us
Perhaps this is another curveball sent by the universe to prepare us for our eventual soulmate
I want him to know that when he is in my presence
He is my mate
He is my god
He is my protector
He is my admiration
He is my guidance
And my angel
My life
And my future
But also my love
Thinking about the pain i hold
I think it is better to be left alone with it
But no cycle is worth repeating
When your in the exact same self similar repeating
cycle every time you come here
if he can read my thoughts then so be it
if he can see through my attempt at a lie then so be it
if he is amused by my need for clarification on every little thing
so be it
at least we are doing something
instead of ignoring each other
i just know it is amusing to be gay
in no other relationship on the planet can you date somebody with the same name and still be happy.
- Shaun A. Delage