Even one day in ascension is difficult, which is why people choose ritual like employment and other things to keep themselves amused. I have been in serious contemplation over Buddhist monastic life. Not only because of my own inherent spiritual programming but the desire to do something with my life that is epic that has substance that has meaning.
Every chance I get and I do get close to going away to discover this part of me, people get suspicious and say things that make me wonder. What is monastic life but doing the work of the lord Buddha.
In a way I have wanted to become a monk since about 20 yrs old. It is a complex theory to want to be a Buddhist monk because doing the buddhas work is very appealing and very sound and very honourable
I find I don’t really have an attachment to sexuality. I mean of course I am gay. But I don’t enjoy regular gay sex like everyone else, maybe a by product of my sex work I have no idea.
I don’t really have a purpose or a role in society. I am not receiving any help whatsoever as far as ascension goes from the system and this leads me to believe I am being held in pseudo captivity
The only way I can really discover this, is if I go discover the meditation centre on my own.
It is pretty far, quite the setback financially to go visit which is why i was looking for assurances of my safety and security, something the centre is not willing to provide.
They have only told me that first time visitors to the centre are limited to 10 day stays
They want to meet me and get to know me.
I think I would be a prime candidate to enter a monastic order, I have the devotion, the happiness, the life experience, and the ability to give discourses. But also in this is my ability to live simply while people ten years younger are passing me by so to speak.
I guess in a way I have tried the householding life, I have experimented living on my own with a roommate the past 3 years and I seriously question whether I have a role out in this reality
I think my involvement in a spiritual faith would ground me, and fill me with its own enlightenment
Of course I am petrified of people and stuff like this, new things. To show up one day and say I am moving in seems a bit out of place but also in the right regard how can I be sure I want to live there without even showing up to meet the people and monks and teachers behind the order.
I am putting some deep thought into this and I don’t know where the answers will lead me
But I do know I am going through a societal dysphoria in a sense. I feel I have no directive in a slave based society. Philosophy is my main language. I cant seem to find a suitable mate with qualities I seek
Plus I have been mostly celibate for about 10 years off and on minus virtual secks But I mean with another partner I can count on one hand. This makes me a bit of an oddity and I even saw my psychiatrists face when I told him I practice celibacy and renunciation
When I listen to Buddhist discourses on birkens website I only grow more fond of monastic life ....Then I understand how I am treated by those men that I am supposed to be in love with and I am only left with more questions.
What leads me onto this path is complex. Terribly complex. It is a combination of poverty, my living situation with family, slavery, enlightenment, meditation, my dissatisfaction, my frustration with society
This constant barrage of information that is taking place puts one person on the level of a microprocessor and you are constantly being used as a digital tool
Then you throw in fear based psychological operations and other things like media and music and we have ourselves an illusion of identity
I guess in a way I have been in an observational state. Observing those people attached to reality and studying them. I see how inherently dissatisfied they are and how they use things like addiction, drama and anger to solve their inherent paradox of enslavement
Another issue all together is my income. I am on a priests wage but they don’t give me a penny more. It is barely enough to pay all my bills and live on and spending money is usually out of the question
I have always wanted to meet a guy that could help me with this or whatever but no men seem to want to include themselves in my life, and I have looked, maybe I am unapproachable
I truly believe I want to be around people that are like me, think like me, have depth, character, they have goals of ascending and becoming enlightened and helping others
There is the fear that sets in like oh man I will be living in a hut in the forest with no hair or eyebrows in robes kind of a pathetic existence lol but it is much more than that.
It is putting yourself into a role that matters, where you have substance, where you are in effect a spiritual leader. You have worked to attain your own personal enlightenment
I have never given in to too much ceremony or ritual in Buddhism and have never really attached to group meditations or whatever
People around me say I should start out small with baby steps and perhaps just go to meditate with a group or something
But it is deeper than that, it is about being immersed in the culture, being safe, having the rules in place for protection ...nothing I will find by attending a weekly meditation it just couldn’t offer me the same serenity
My income too is for life, So I am at a very opportune time to discover this. Even if I choose not to handle one more dollar oh well but if i discover I dont enjoy them then I have the ability to hop on a plane if need be and come back to reality.
I am a strange raver as you can tell lol
I am a strange raver as you can tell lol
I don’t know if I will come to any conclusive results in my meditations this week
I guess we will all see
I like how this is developing though *smiles*
Take care of yourself
- Shaun A. Delage
